AnonymousHere’s my yearly birthday sappy post:
As I’ve entered my mid twenties I’ve stopped thinking of my life as one big room where I’m stuck constantly scanning for exits to where I’m supposed to be. That throbbing in my heart that came along with always feeling like I should be somewhere or anywhere else doing anything else has started to dull slowly but surely I don’t feel like a caged bird anymore and I’m going to try to explain this the only way I can, with a long winded run on sentence that doesn’t make much sense.
I’ll start with the story of how I had all these big plans in my early twenties but everything I did was out of spite disguised as drive all of my successes weren’t for me. Every single one of my early adulthood victories were to show my dad that I never needed him!!! Even though I did. They were to show my ex I was better off without them!!!! Even though I was also apart of the problem. They were to show the world that it can’t break me!!!! Even though the world does break you over and over and over again.
And now looking back I realize none of those things mattered. And I don’t even remember what I did to achieve those things. I don’t remember the good I don’t remember the claps and congratulations beyond surface level but what I do remember in my core is the anger and the hurt and the way the sleepless nights made my eyes burn I don’t look back on what others regard as my achievements in a positive light. I look back on those things and only remember pain.
Nothing I did or didn’t do would have changed the way I feel right now about myself and my life because I can’t go back and I can’t perfectly plan my life going forward all I can do is be here now and control this particular moment in space and time in my own body and mind. That doesnt mean life doesn’t get me down that doesn’t mean I don’t long for a place I can’t even fully visualize. That doesn’t stop the bill collector from coming round month after month but the way I look back on the past 2 years of my life vastly differs from the way I look at the 5 years before that.
I think of the past 2 years and I remember more good than bad, I remember hard times but I don’t try out of spite to make sure they never happen again because I can’t, I do think of the people I’ve surrounded myself with, how much they love me and how much they’ve made me realize that success and disappointment don’t run parallel to each other. They’re intertwined. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. Nothing is ever going to happen the way you invisoned it unless you absolutely kill yourself to get there and then once you do you realize you don’t know how to live a life. You just know how to exist.
Basically this was all a long and annoying way of saying that I don’t have any tips. It just happens. And if it doesn’t find out why within yourself. Be kind where you can including to yourself. Find out what you love and make it apart of yourself.
